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IS KATRINA A HOLY OMEN?

We all know except, perhaps, for Born-again-Dubbya, that God works in “mysterious ways his miracles to perform.” So Archie Bishop Jnr, the UK’s leading sceptic on these things, points out that maybe “Katrina’s devastating attendance recently in the Southern States is the Heavenly Host’s way of redressing the balance” for the President’s ill-conceived meddling in the Middle East, plus his lack of concern for the planet’s physical well-being.

Archie thinks “the unfortunate loss of American life under the hurricane’s powerful presence is the Lord’s way of beginning to redress the balance for the loss of life in Iraq and elsewhere at US’s hands.”

Archie also firmly believes that the good Lord is “hiding behind global warming as his weapon of mass destruction” that will get us all in the end! But, possibly, the Americans first!

Not surprisingly, more hurricane’s are planned for the months ahead!

FAT ASSED AMERICANS (AND OTHERS) TO BE BANNED FROM FLYING?

The ever-expanding nether regions of many American citizens are causing airlines to burn more fuel in take off to compensate for the extra weight they are carrying. Consequently, fat assessed Yankees are making their unwanted contribution to greater CO2 emissions!

And that’s beside the safety factor. Excessive weight is said to be a key factor in the crash of a small jet in North Carolina killing 21 people.

Air travel is already one of the greatest, worldwide contributors to global warming, so we can do without any additional factors to exacerbate this situation.

The US Federal Aviation Administration has just revised its guidelines to carriers on how to calculate the weight they are carrying, taking into account that Americans are getting fatter.

Because fat people lie about their weight or are too embarrassed to own up, the FAA has added 8% to a male and 18% to a female in an attempt to ensure that the centre of gravity, takeoff speed and fuel needs for planes can be more accurately estimated.

But surely the best and only logical solution is to ban all Americans (and other nationalities for that matter) who are over a certain weight from flying – full stop.

This would be good for the airlines and good for those obese individuals who, if they want to travel by air, will be encouraged to get their bodies down to an acceptable size.